Memorial Day

Saturday morning dawned bright and sun-filled. We've had days of rain off and on, and more is forecast, but we are reveling in the beauty of this day.

Our dear friends Sherry, Greg, Lori, and Delmer, along with Paul, are laying sod. They smartly suggested lessening the square footage of the garden since I no longer manage it. So we have a beautiful upper garden, a lawn-to-be, and a lower garden. I would not have had this had Sherry and Lori not stepped up. I am so blessed by friends old and new!

I am slightly blue...I would have been up at 6 on a day like this, working in the yard, cleaning the garage, doing the laundry. I loved my simple chores, knowing I could bounce from one to another as I pleased. To just sit here and watch others work is hard. I don't stay blue long, though; how can one, when surrounded by love?

 

To be or not to be...a juror

I received a notice of jury service. With it comes a questionnaire as to qualifications an an affidavit of excusal. So the question is, do I do my civic duty? I've always wanted to serve as a juror, and was dismissive of those who didn't want to or avoided service. I was glad when the State made having a driver's license the basis for jury duty versus voter registration. So now, when I need to fill out one form or the other, why should I hesitate?

Well, the period of time I'm signing up for runs July 1, 2016-June 30, 2017.  I doubt I'll still be around next year. Also, I have to have someone else fill out the form, mail it, drive me to any jury call. Then, if I am selected, I can listen and serve well. If I have to discuss the case with fellow jurors, I will be hard-pressed to get my words out. So do I fill out the affidavit?

When do I truly face my inability to function in certain circumstances?

So I guess for all concerned I should ask for an excusal.

One more PALS lost

Patty Blake passed away yesterday morning. She was a grandmother in her mid-60s. The good news is she died peacefully in her sleep. My thoughts are with her family and friends. I know she is at peace now. Her unshakeable faith was her rock. Her blog https://pattysoksofar.com always brought me to a better place in my thinking.

I have been grilling the hospice workers about how people die. The variation is tremendous. The difficulty is suppressing pain and anxiety enough to allow peaceful passing. I am so curious about the whole dying process. True morbid curiosity!!

The trees reflected in my electric fireplace screen are fully leafed out now. My friends have my garden, flower pots, and window box planted. I am surrounded by signs of life even while curious about death. And I have this lovely orchid to enjoy:

Thank you, Jade!

On Tuesday evening we attended Caroline's choir concert, the Rose Concert, where the seniors get saluted and give their parents or special relations roses. I started to cry, thinking that I won't be there when Caroline is a senior. Paul held my hand throughout, and I rationally know our mother-daughter bond doesn't need a public demonstration. Still, I love the ceremony. So afterward, what did my sweet, talented daughter do? She presented me with a rose! That took such thought and consideration. Thank you, Caroline!

Sidewalks, Trees, and Finitude

I went on an adventure yesterday. After dropping Dolan at play rehearsal, and leaving the van (which I haven't driven in over a year), I set off alone from MSU-Northern to go downtown. Downtown Havre was holding an outdoor event, Discover Downtown, and I wanted to see it. So off I went.

I love Havre, but it's not the most accessible place. Many corners don't have curb cuts, necessitating detours to the street or alley adjacent. Needless to say, that allows me to see more, and feel more daring.

Although the sidewalks are heaved and cracked, one only has to look at the abundant trees to discern the cause of the damage. That, and the subsequent pernicious freeze-thaw that rips up sidewalks and roads in chinook country. Would I like smooth, wide sidewalks? Sure. However, not at the cost of being deprived of trees. If I look at my experience with ALS in that light, I can also appreciate what I receive with the suffering: bountiful friendships and an appreciation for the beauty around me.

I ended my independent trek with Mass at St. Jude's. People seemed surprised and concerned that I was alone. I am confident that as long as I am seat-belted in my chair, I can go anywhere my chair can go by myself. If I have to give that up, I will truly mourn.

I am listening to Atul Gawande's Being Mortal.  I think often of our failure to recognize that we all die, that no one life is more valuable than another, and that saying we battle a disease makes those of us who accept our circumstance seem weak. I am not saying people who seek treatment or follow regimens of diet or exercise are wrong, just that those of us who choose not to do so aren't giving up. 

I choose to reflect on my past, to read old correspondence, to watch Netflix, and to spend time outside enjoying the yard. When friends come over, I enjoy them immensely. As talking grows more difficult, though, being alone is okay.  Thank goodness I was always comfortable alone.

We are all given something to compensate for what we have lost. Sherman Alexie