Winding down

Autumn is a time of winding down, as the garden flowers put on their last show before the frost takes them, and the leaves turn color and drop. Snow has fallen already, but soon we will see snow cover the ground.

As the fall progresses, I too feel a winding down of my life. I have to face that work may no longer be feasible. I always thought and said that as long as I could talk and type I could still work. Talking is very hard now and typing grows more and more difficult. I told John yesterday that I believed that October 30 would be my last day at work. He said that we could remain flexible which I very much appreciate. Still I believe that I need to set an end date. Otherwise, I will not be able to say goodbye. I will keep thinking that I could still do it: work with students and others. Unfortunately, my contributions are becoming less and less.

It doesn't help that I'm not feeling well. I had my operation for a suprapubic catheter. I thought that would solve most of my pain associated with the other catheter, but the pain continues. I used to think I was so strong! The pain takes me down, though, and using painkillers makes me uncomfortable. That, and a tendency to choke on air or my own saliva makes me want to give up. Not so brave and strong, am I?

I also spend time thinking about the value of my life when I cease to be able to contribute to society. Also, when does the burden my care puts on my loved ones become more onerous than dealing with the grief of losing me? They can't avoid the latter, but I can shorten the length of the former.

Those are thoughts I can control, so I am still joy filled. I got to see Caroline perform with her choir groups last night, along with the rest, and they were wonderful. I am enjoying the extended lovely fall weather, and love that the garden is still vibrant. I have the love of my family and friends supporting me. I can't wallow for long.

Catching up

Rainy autumn weekend in north-central Montana. Missed Havre High School homecoming parade and game (to see Caroline play in the marching band). Instead, Paul and I were in Great Falls at Benefis for the suprapubic catheter operation. Great results, but coming out of the anesthesia was difficult. Then, getting a prescription filled for a painkiller was a pain, pun intended. It finally ended with the surgeon meeting Paul in the parking lot of Walgreens to write a new prescription. Kind of like a drug deal!

So, whereas we thought we'd make it back for the game at least, we failed. Still, it rained the whole day in Havre, and my powerchair is not water-friendly, so it all worked out. Especially since a band parent posted the half-time performance on Facebook. Now I can see it over and over, bone dry!

My brother Mike was in a motorcycle wreck last Saturday and is still in the hospital. Life can change in a few seconds; in some ways, I have been blessed with the time to prepare. I believe Mike will recover and be okay. If I think about those killed in Oregon, they had no warning, no chance to prepare. Life seems so cheap, when I see so many the world over lose their lives so randomly and abruptly.

Joy stays, however. I have a loving family, I appreciate all the weather we are given, I have a wonderful support network of women bringing dinners once a week. And getting rid of my internal catheter for an external one is terrific. Simple pleasures, simply enjoyed.