The Two-faced God, Janus

December 31st. Staying up til midnight was such a thrill when we were young, but as we age and stay up late for so many reasons, it seems contrived to stay up for one specific night. So here I am in bed at 11:19, but likely I will be awake at midnight regardless. Will I see the entry of another new year?

Worked for pay for the last time today, even though everyone else had already gone home. I had to clean out my things in any event, and send a last email as a means of exerting control past my retirement. Similar to wanting to plan my funeral details; exerting control from the grave!

So 2016 will dawn, and I will enter a fourth year of ALS. If I can hold on another 2-1/2 years I will see Caroline graduate. Much will be discovered at the ALS clinic a week from today. If my breathing isn't too compromised, perhaps I can make it to 2018. It doesn't really seem so far away when I think of it, but if I consider how I have deteriorated over this past year, and project ahead, then it doesn't seem like I'll make it through this coming year without resorting to invasive medical help.

Life is good, though. My brother and his family came to visit from California the last two days. (Who leaves California in late December to visit north central Montana?) we enjoyed chatting and had a great evening that stretched past midnight yesterday playing games. I really value the family I was born into, and the legacy of love and support our parents left us.

A joyful Christmas!

I am so fortunate to love and be loved.

Worked a couple of hours with Nuni and John at MSUN, I am going to miss being there so very much. John's wife has cancer, and is spending Christmas at Benefis hospital. My heart goes out to their whole family. Nuni, John, Amber and I are like a little family. The love and caring is always evident, and emanates from our wonderful leader John.

We had a quiet Christmas Eve, with a lovely Mass at 5, seeing many of our parish and city friends, the watched It's a Wonderful Life and Paul created a delicious feta shrimp over rice dinner. Dolan and Caroline were here with us, and Caroline and Paul made the overnight casserole. Then this morning we slept in til 10. Our gift opening focused on each individual opening their gift, which allows us all to enjoy each other's surprise and pleasure. Then a late brunch with mimosas, and stockings, with our favorite scratch tickets and Montana-themed cookie cutters.

Our lovely tree and bounty of gifts!

I had a bit of a meltdown last night because I was up too late (11:30 pm; out of bed since 9:30 am). Poor Paul; tough for the evening to end on a crying note. Once in bed, though, things settled down. I just have to face that I need much more horizontal time now.

If I see no other Christmas, I can remember this beautiful day. I leave you with a picture of Havre's Town Square Christmas tree.

Merry Christmas Eve!

Hoarfrost covers everything this beautiful Christmas Eve, my favorite day of the holiday season. Anticipation, one of the enlivening emotions!

We are sending out Christmas cards this year, but for the first time with printed messages and address labels. I always prided myself on personalizing each message to friends and family, but that is just beyond my ability now, even through typing. I can barely put the label on, or the card in the envelope. So I decided my blog entry today will be my Christmas message.

Our front yard tree dressed for Christmas!

Facebook means many people have followed our busy lives this past year, so I won't revisit the things we did. Suffice to say that we are doing as much as we can, and Paul and Dolan and Caroline are sharing this interesting journey with me while providing me with love, support, and most importantly, humor.

I am blessed. My family and my friends and my community give me strength to move forward. I wish all of you the happiest of Christmases and a peaceful and fulfilling New Year.

Christmastime is here...🎧

Christmas will be come and gone in less than a week. Advent is always thus: The waiting and anticipation soon gives way to the post-Christmas lull. But in the lull there is some peace. You can look back and remember the warmth of the season and the joy you shared with family and friends.

There I am, looking ahead again. I can see some corollaries with my condition. I do sometimes wait and anticipate what will eventually happen, but I hope the aftermath can be what I described above: Remembrance of good things past.

Today we slept in til 8:30 (that's sleeping in to us!), then had a nice hour or so reading the paper, Facebooking, and having #bestcoffeeever (Paul does make a fine cup of coffee for me!). Now Paul is doing the once-monthly recycling. I am envious; that was a truly favorite activity of mine for my entire active life. Really. I liked helping my dad with stacking newspapers for the Boy Scouts' paper drives back in Springfield, Virginia, in the late 60's. And I last took recycling when I was limping but still able to lift independently. Recycling is a big deal to me, as any who have had me annoy them about a tossed recyclable can attest! Still, like so many things, I cannot do that now. I am unable to adequately thank Paul for doing this in my stead. Although sometimes I think what small impact our household recycling has when I see garbage cans on our street bulging with recyclable materials, at the same time I know we have to be the change we seek.

I have been working this week, more hours than sick leave for the first week in a while. I want to be there, I have important work. We are assessing the transcripts of our student members, and looking at where we can help or celebrate their achievement. At the same time, I have chosen officially my last day: January 1st. I will start the new year filing for disability.

Disability. Official recognition from the Feds that I am unable to work. How can I keep going without that push to get out of bed and contribute my knowledge and spirit to the educational milieu? I have plenty of things to occupy me at home, but those things don't contribute to the greater good. I won't even have city council after Monday night, as the newly-elected will be sworn in, and I will leave my seat. (Well, figuratively, of course. I only leave my literal seat for transfers to bed or shower!) Still, I can't even voice an issue easily in council anymore. I had to have my fellow ward rep speak for me at the last meeting. Those who know me know I don't easily let ANYone speak for me!

Have a very merry Christmas! I will likely write again before next Friday, but I love saying Merry Christmas!

Clarity

As my health becomes more compromised, I am trying to find clarity as I approach the end. I read about death so as to understand it better. I think about each thing I touch, assessing its immediate value and trying to determine if it will have value to others when I'm gone. I let my thoughts wander to the tidying up of the house post-Pam: the removal of all this medical paraphenalia, the selling of the van. I can feel the desire to control beneath the desire for clarity.

What is clarity to me? I think it's recognizing what lies ahead and facing it clear-eyed. Realizing (while not always acting on) what's truly important, which at the end is always only the relationships one has forged in life. I was reminded of this the other day when I was guest of honor at a luncheon and the dedication of a tree and plaque at the Boys and Girls Club of the Hi-Line. To know a tree will grow strong and tall and shade children for many years to come is the greatest gift I could ever receive. Receiving it before I depart is even more special. As I always say, ALS is giving me the opportunity to see all the love that is out there!

I have the ability to focus on these things because I am fortunately not worried about finances. We are blessed with good insurance, good jobs, good savings, and family and friends who take care of us.

I have submitted my resignation at MSUN, effective January 4, 2016. Then I start the process of getting disability determination from social security, Medicare, and hospice. I can access my retirement too, even before 57-1/2. Not that I am so far from that age anyway!

Fortunately, ALS is a disease wherein you can remain at home til the end, as far as I know. I have my beautiful room. I can't bear the thought of a hospital or nursing home death scene. Here, I am surrounded by art, music, color, and light.