Alpenglow

We get a bit of Alpenglow on the high plains, with the Bears Paw mountains to the south. We are fortunate to have them in view from a picture window. This definitely helps me face being in the house on cold winter days. I close my eyes and remember how I would go for long, leg-stretching walks on days such as these: clear, sunny, cold. ALS will never take my memories.

Thanksgiving is over. We will start decorating this week for Christmas. Then come Caroline's concerts: choir and band, and Piano and Pipes next Sunday. Advent is always my favorite part of the Christmas season; the sense of expectation and anticipation are so invigorating. I am already happily listening to holiday songs. 

I look to the future sometimes, even if I may not see it. Caroline's theater and music figure prominently. I am happy she is so involved for both her happiness and also as it gives me set points to aim for and to experience. I've had a great life and am not bitter about it ending, but I dearly want to see Caroline graduate and perhaps start college. Am I willing to have a trach tube to do that? I would have adamantly  said no, but after reading a PALS' website about how he lives well with a tube and it isn't a huge caregiver burden, I am rethinking my out of hand rejection. So I hold on, and hope to travel to DC next July to see the Blue Pony Marching Band in the  national July 4th parade.

Thanksgiving Day

Thanksgiving Day dawned sunny and bright, but a tad cold (-1).  My sister Pat and her family are in Duck, NC, in 67 degree weather. 68 degree difference. Gotta love Montana, although snow and cold are hard on mobility-impaired folks.

I've texted and talked to two of my bothers, face timed one sister. That leaves two to go. Talking is hard, though.  I am so thankful for texting, and even FaceTime allows me to see everyone and let them entertain me and know I'm listening. Talking with my brother Mike was a blessing, though, as he was in a serious motorcycle accident in October. He has memory deficits, and somewhat garbled speech, but is improving daily, thank God.

Facebook also allows communication with family and friends. I certainly am glad if I have to have ALS, I have it during a time of great communication devices.

We are spending Thanksgiving with our adopted mother/grandmother, Margaret. She's 85, but will be doing the cooking (we supplied the turkey and pies). She had a great ramp installed at her home to insure I could still visit, but I am glad it is also a benefit for her and her friends. I am glad we are spending Thanksgiving with her, as I have always believed that Thanksgiving is meant to be spent with others as well as with family. Thanksgiving is a time to rejoice in our connections with others.

We had snow yesterday. Not much, but it's so beautiful to see. I can't imagine living in a place that doesn't get snow. All the seasons are my favorites for different reasons. Actually, how can one have a favorite season or color? There is too much beauty in everything to pick favorites.

Driving to Bozeman last week

Each holiday has to be relished as though it is the last. Everyone should do this, although perhaps its most important for me to do so, as I suspect I won't be here next Thanksgiving unless I opt for invasive measures to keep myself alive. I am still not willing to do that. I am eligible for hospice, however, and that seems preferable. I don't want to drag this out. I love life, but on my terms, and Nature's terms, not on invasive medical technology's terms. Fortunately, I have my family's support in this understanding of my end.

So, on this Thanksgiving there is so much to be thankful for each and every day, but especially today: family, friends, communication technology, insurance, a great boss and coworkers, Amazon Echo, Facebook even! God gave me many blessings from birth on, and I am deeply thankful for each, and feel well-treated.

Happy Thanksgiving, dear readers!

Thinking ahead

In my chair early today, although not out of my pajamas yet. Awaiting the arrival of Bear Paw Hospice nurses for my assessment. I wonder what they assess? If they ask me, I would say I have less than a year to go, given my progression.

My voice is very compromised, especially when I am upset or anxious. Last night at city council when I brought up the failed mill levy to put on the ballot again next November, it sounded like I was crying because my throat chokes up. While the mill levy vote might make me sad/mad, it doesn't make me cry! Dang. Losing my ability to strongly argue my position is perhaps the worst thing about this disease.

Being a burden is worse. Needing range of motion PT, and no longer being able to perform it myself, leaves me needing a family member to do it for me. I have to ask every time, and it is grudgingly done. How can I ask this of them? They do so much for me already, things that I would never want done for me if I could do them myself. I want to live, but I want to stop being a burden, too, and that means dying.

So, hospice, welcome to my situation.

I promised to see the joy. There is good still. At work yesterday I successfully obtained a new tutor for a student with help from another tutor. Knowing I can still do my job, and help students, gives me great satisfaction, even if I sound like I've been drinking when I talk to students. Thank goodness for texting!

Also, I enjoyed city council and the following discussion with the Local Government study commission and five fellow council members. We responded to their questions about how we would improve communication and other city issues. I think it says something positive when the council members agreed on most items. Things that are good for the city are pretty obvious.

We are having very nice November weather. Still time to put the garden to bed, if someone will do it. Another thing that I would dearly love and prefer to do myself. I am learning to let go, but it is so hard sometimes.

A month of being thankful

November reminds me to be thankful. It was easy to be so when the first day was so beautiful. Havre was warm and clear, a bit windy but both Caroline and Dolan worked in my garden as Paul put things away and I sat on the deck. We laughed a lot, especially when I said it was so nice us all working together and the three of them looked at me and snorted. Hey, every job needs a supervisor!!

I can be thankful today for all the moisture we received, but I am also terribly frustrated with 57% of Havre's voters who turned down City Council's infrastructure mill levy proposal. 918 people with vision stymied by 1,199 people who refuse to put skin in the game to replace crumbling infrastructure . Our country was built by people willing to think of the next generations; where has that ethic gone?

That was my goal in this last year on city council: to leave Havre with a plan for infrastructure improvement. I will not be on the council after January 2, but I certainly hope this goes back on the ballot next November. We cannot turn our backs on this problem and hope it goes away.

Funny, I won't live to see the improvements, but knowing they could have happened was enough to make me happy. I'll just have to settle for my legacy being children and trees. That's pretty good, after all. 😊

Paul took the Jazzy to Great Falls to sell it. One less thing in the garage. Dolan and I were going through things there, and he and I disagreed over saving things such as his class ring and geography bee t-shirts and medals. I was all about keeping them, he was all about getting rid of them. He did want to save books. I am such a saver, and yet as my time here grows short, I really have to wonder why. Who wants years of correspondence from family and friends that I've saved? Dolan has a healthier approach.

“Why the obsession with worldly possessions ? When it's your time to go, they have to stay behind, so pack light.” 
― Alex Morritt, Impromptu Scribe

I was looking for a quote I thought I'd read years ago; something like "happy is he who can carry his possessions on his shoulders" which always guided my thoughts (but not my actions). For once, Google failed me, but I found the even better quote above.

So here I lie, unable to answer the landline or turn off the endlessly beeping alarm. Being paralyzed is annoying!