Monday morning

A nice weekend has slipped by. Monday has dawned cloudy. Paul is at work. Caroline is in Helena for Closeup. I just heard Dolan stirring at 9:30. I've listened to NPR news, played Words with Friends, Trivia Crack, and Candy Crush. (My achievement? Passing a level I was stuck on for months.) Now I'm listening to classical music on Yellowstone Public Radio.

On NPR, they had a segment on standing desks, and saying the science wasn't conclusive that these desks were important, but that sitting no longer than 45 minutes duration was the key to health. Really. And here I have been lying in the same position since 9:45 last night. 12 hours. Hopefully soon to get ROM and out of bed to sit in my powerchair for the day. So clearly I am on a unhealthy path.

I could have gone to Helena for Youth of the Year events today. I just didn't have the energy to plan ahead for a long day of meetings and an evening at the Governor's residence. I used my connection with Steve and Lisa to secure the location and Lisa as a judge, but a long day away from home intimidates me now. Still, I am a bit sad at not making the effort, as this will be the last time for me.

I think that is my hardest challenge: deciding what I really don't have energy for when I know I will not likely get another opportunity to do something. The annual Mansfield-Metcalf dinner this past Saturday was another event I opted out of due to not wanting to be at a dinner I couldn't eat and where people would have talked to me a lot and expected me to converse with them.

But this means I am isolating myself. There is no going back on this, as my energy will decrease as the disease progresses.

What if I could just get up and go to work? That would be such a treat. Even on a gray Monday morning.

Listing

What I want to live to see

Caroline go to college. Fall 2018. 30 months from now.

Caroline Rose Concert and graduation. 2018 late May. 27 months from now.

Hillary Clinton inauguration?! January 2017. 11 months.

Election. November 2016. 9 months.

Caroline's sweet 16. August 10, 2016. 5-1/2 months.

James Taylor in Bozeman July 2016. 5 months.

Caroline and the Blue a Pony band march in DC. July 4 2016. 4 months.

Primary. June 2016. 3 months.

Dolan in To Kill a Mockingbird. April 2016. 6 weeks.

Caroline in The Crucible. April 2016. 6 weeks.

Caroline in Mary Poppins. March 2016. This week.

I started this list March 1, 2016, to explain the time frame. I have seen Caroline 3 times in Mary Poppins! They closed last night. However, if I jump to the top of the list, I really don't think I will see those things happen. I have made health care decisions that will likely preclude me from seeing more than 2016. I'm okay with that, mind you. This isn't a sad post.

Actually, in envisioning these events, I can almost pre-live them. I have a healthy imagination, and since I have experienced some of the events before with Dolan, or others, I have a good sense of the sequence. I just plug in different faces in my imagined scenarios. 

I have also made lists of my finances for Paul, what I think needs to be done with my things and the house (repairing my powerchair damage!) when I'm gone, songs I want at my vigil...exerting control from the grave, so to say. I don't let go easily, but I'm learning to let go while holding on.

The first day of spring today! If I live to see my garden in full and glorious bloom, I will be content.

 I don't know when the end will come, but I still am willing to buy green bananas. (Thanks to Woody Woodwick for that joke!)