Clarity

As my health becomes more compromised, I am trying to find clarity as I approach the end. I read about death so as to understand it better. I think about each thing I touch, assessing its immediate value and trying to determine if it will have value to others when I'm gone. I let my thoughts wander to the tidying up of the house post-Pam: the removal of all this medical paraphenalia, the selling of the van. I can feel the desire to control beneath the desire for clarity.

What is clarity to me? I think it's recognizing what lies ahead and facing it clear-eyed. Realizing (while not always acting on) what's truly important, which at the end is always only the relationships one has forged in life. I was reminded of this the other day when I was guest of honor at a luncheon and the dedication of a tree and plaque at the Boys and Girls Club of the Hi-Line. To know a tree will grow strong and tall and shade children for many years to come is the greatest gift I could ever receive. Receiving it before I depart is even more special. As I always say, ALS is giving me the opportunity to see all the love that is out there!

I have the ability to focus on these things because I am fortunately not worried about finances. We are blessed with good insurance, good jobs, good savings, and family and friends who take care of us.

I have submitted my resignation at MSUN, effective January 4, 2016. Then I start the process of getting disability determination from social security, Medicare, and hospice. I can access my retirement too, even before 57-1/2. Not that I am so far from that age anyway!

Fortunately, ALS is a disease wherein you can remain at home til the end, as far as I know. I have my beautiful room. I can't bear the thought of a hospital or nursing home death scene. Here, I am surrounded by art, music, color, and light.