Seems these days I have a lot of "shoulds." I should record my voice. I should be doing range of motion exercises more. I should go through all my papers and correspondence. Oh, and I should write a book, write a column on infrastructure repair, write thank you notes. Yet my favorite thing is to sit in my chair on my ramp landing and watch Netflix or read or look at the garden. I feel unproductive!
I did return to work Monday. I know I still have something to offer, at least for a while. Talking is getting harder, and typing is pretty much two fingers, but I can offer students assistance, and set tutor schedules. Being at work is pretty easy--getting ready for work is a challenge.
My body still remembers being nimble, doing everything quickly, so taking 15 minutes to do something like putting underwear on is frustrating beyond belief. If I don't give myself an hour, I don't have time to do the basics. Thank goodness I never was a makeup wearer or did anything but brush my hair.
While I bemoan my slowness, I am facing having to have someone help me. Paul has been dressing me these past days just to save time. The reality is, I am losing the ability to do some aspects of dressing myself. And yet I can be thankful that I have assistance from my family. How do PALS manage without family?
I've promised to be joyful, and I can still find joy in each day. How can I not, on a lovely cool summer morning, or, as happened yesterday, a searing day gave way to a cool clear evening? Or when I accept help from people. I realized that while I am challenged to accept help willingly and graciously, allowing people to help me is a gift to them. Does that seem weird? It would to me, except I know how good I feel when I can do something that helps someone, such as when I all too briefly helped my mom in the nursing home. No, it's not all pleasant, but my family may come through this stronger. I have to believe some good can come of even this.
Our family reunion in Medway, Massachusetts, July 5, 2016.
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