Thinking ahead

In my chair early today, although not out of my pajamas yet. Awaiting the arrival of Bear Paw Hospice nurses for my assessment. I wonder what they assess? If they ask me, I would say I have less than a year to go, given my progression.

My voice is very compromised, especially when I am upset or anxious. Last night at city council when I brought up the failed mill levy to put on the ballot again next November, it sounded like I was crying because my throat chokes up. While the mill levy vote might make me sad/mad, it doesn't make me cry! Dang. Losing my ability to strongly argue my position is perhaps the worst thing about this disease.

Being a burden is worse. Needing range of motion PT, and no longer being able to perform it myself, leaves me needing a family member to do it for me. I have to ask every time, and it is grudgingly done. How can I ask this of them? They do so much for me already, things that I would never want done for me if I could do them myself. I want to live, but I want to stop being a burden, too, and that means dying.

So, hospice, welcome to my situation.

I promised to see the joy. There is good still. At work yesterday I successfully obtained a new tutor for a student with help from another tutor. Knowing I can still do my job, and help students, gives me great satisfaction, even if I sound like I've been drinking when I talk to students. Thank goodness for texting!

Also, I enjoyed city council and the following discussion with the Local Government study commission and five fellow council members. We responded to their questions about how we would improve communication and other city issues. I think it says something positive when the council members agreed on most items. Things that are good for the city are pretty obvious.

We are having very nice November weather. Still time to put the garden to bed, if someone will do it. Another thing that I would dearly love and prefer to do myself. I am learning to let go, but it is so hard sometimes.