Winding down

Autumn is a time of winding down, as the garden flowers put on their last show before the frost takes them, and the leaves turn color and drop. Snow has fallen already, but soon we will see snow cover the ground.

As the fall progresses, I too feel a winding down of my life. I have to face that work may no longer be feasible. I always thought and said that as long as I could talk and type I could still work. Talking is very hard now and typing grows more and more difficult. I told John yesterday that I believed that October 30 would be my last day at work. He said that we could remain flexible which I very much appreciate. Still I believe that I need to set an end date. Otherwise, I will not be able to say goodbye. I will keep thinking that I could still do it: work with students and others. Unfortunately, my contributions are becoming less and less.

It doesn't help that I'm not feeling well. I had my operation for a suprapubic catheter. I thought that would solve most of my pain associated with the other catheter, but the pain continues. I used to think I was so strong! The pain takes me down, though, and using painkillers makes me uncomfortable. That, and a tendency to choke on air or my own saliva makes me want to give up. Not so brave and strong, am I?

I also spend time thinking about the value of my life when I cease to be able to contribute to society. Also, when does the burden my care puts on my loved ones become more onerous than dealing with the grief of losing me? They can't avoid the latter, but I can shorten the length of the former.

Those are thoughts I can control, so I am still joy filled. I got to see Caroline perform with her choir groups last night, along with the rest, and they were wonderful. I am enjoying the extended lovely fall weather, and love that the garden is still vibrant. I have the love of my family and friends supporting me. I can't wallow for long.