Garden gifts that last

Watching Paul move the sprinkler, I thought how happy he will stay: caring for the yard and garden that was planted for me, but will give him peace in the coming years. What better way to remember me than the beauty of this backyard?

I want to be remembered, not mourned (at least, not for long!). I hope I have done enough good in my life to outweigh any bad. But I don't relish thinking any of my family or friends should grieve too long. If I don't grieve now, please know I don't want your hearts to be heavy then.

My ever-shrinking world

We used to talk about the small worlds of our aging parents, but now I can see from where the lessening interest arises. As I look toward the end, I start to think about what's really important to me. But I also retreat as my voice fades. Watching Netflix requires nothing from me. No response, inattention, sometimes sleepiness and infrequent napping. Bad interpersonal behavior, but the tv doesn't mind. And except that I think I should be outside in good weather, even though I would be a brown, withered prune (more so than I am) if I were to spend more time out in the sun when I am immobile, I could watch shows for hours, and indeed do.

So where is my world? I still read the online newspaper daily, so I try to keep up to date. I revel in re-watching Downton Abbey, and have found Jane the Virgin immensely entertaining. Even Frazier and Wings stand the test of time and still make me laugh.

And I reread old correspondence. I did read the William and Mary alumni magazine cover to cover this month, and was saddened to see one of my favorite correspondents, Chris Cragg, had died in April 2015. I had to read it several times to get it to sink in. I spent an hour trying to google her but with no luck. How can a friend be dead and I had and have no knowledge of how or why? She was just two years older than me.

Dead is dead. ALS is no more "horrific" (I hate that word!) than any other disease (or other cause) that leads to death. I am going to handle this with the help of hospice and family and friends.

No whining!!

Calendars

I have been working on my calendar for the upcoming months for events I know are going to happen, including hospice visits. I got to Christmas, and thought how last year I thought would be my last celebration of Christmas. Yet, here I am planning ahead.

 Just shows that this is not truly in my hands. I do not see myself taking my self out, anyway. So, short of a systemic failure, I am probably going to be here for a while longer. That is a good thing, all in all, although it seems like traveling is going to need to be limited due to uncomfortable beds and showers in hotels. I love my home though, so not traveling is not deprivation to me.

 So calendars are my friends. Instead of dreading the future, I look forward to each thing I get to do with family and friends. If I die in the meantime, I can die happy.

 As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well-spent brings a happy death. Leonardo Da Vinci

Sit on my headstone, please!

Paul and I have been working with his brother, Rick, the cemetery owner, to get a headstone done in Florida in time to be installed in the Anaconda cemetery when we're there in August. I figure, I want to see what everyone will see after I'm gone.

I'm reading Terkel's Will the Circle be Unbroken. One person said he wanted a bench instead of a headstone for his grave, so people can rest in a nice cemetery. Well, we just ordered a big-ass headstone. But I will tell you now, you can plop down on my headstone if it seems comfortable to do so. I just have always had a fascination with cemeteries, and headstones tell stories. But I am a hostess too, and will be that beyond death. So come visit me, and sit on my headstone if you want!

On another note (pun intended), we welcomed the Blue Pony marching band home from their triumphant participation in the National Independence Day parade in Washington, D.C.

A mighty wind

We were lucky to spend the weekend in Glacier National Park with friends. The weather was very fickle: sun, clouds, wind, rain. No snow, but we wouldn't have been surprised.  In any weather, GNP is beautiful, especially the east side. The majesty of the mountains is jaw-droppingly gorgeous, and had I died right there I would have died content.

But here I remain. I don't want to eat, I can't carry my end of a conversation, but I can read old correspondence and remember old friends. One friend from Missoula had a severe stroke 9 years ago. He was a kind soul, and I miss him. So my theory that I can't feel sorry for myself as everyone has something proves unhappily true once more.

My title refers to the gale force winds that ripped through East Glacier Saturday night. Wind like that is elemental. It's as though the mountains themselves are creating each powerful gust to blow humanity off earth's surface.

Here are picture Paul took, we saw a moose and several bears! But the best thing we saw was friends old and new. Ed, Sue, George, Julie, Galen, Maryann, Pam, Mark, Rog, Katie, and Sterling.

Blessings rain down like cottonwood blossoms

Glorious weather yesterday and today! In the 80s and clear with a slight cooling breeze from the west.

Yesterday the fountain giggled merrily, and Amber, Caroline and Dolan weeded the east side of the upper garden. Paul and Russ installed a ramp onto the back deck. It has increased my world. Yay!

Diane and Art drove up from Helena yesterday, and just left after a lovely brunch on the deck. They also went with us to Dolan's play Eqivocation. This morning the family went to Mass. I opted out as I needed more rest. Didn't sleep til midnight because the play ran three hours. Worth every moment, but I needed recovery time.

I am surrounded by love. I am so blessed.

Garden gnomes!

On my new ramp!

Memorial Day

Saturday morning dawned bright and sun-filled. We've had days of rain off and on, and more is forecast, but we are reveling in the beauty of this day.

Our dear friends Sherry, Greg, Lori, and Delmer, along with Paul, are laying sod. They smartly suggested lessening the square footage of the garden since I no longer manage it. So we have a beautiful upper garden, a lawn-to-be, and a lower garden. I would not have had this had Sherry and Lori not stepped up. I am so blessed by friends old and new!

I am slightly blue...I would have been up at 6 on a day like this, working in the yard, cleaning the garage, doing the laundry. I loved my simple chores, knowing I could bounce from one to another as I pleased. To just sit here and watch others work is hard. I don't stay blue long, though; how can one, when surrounded by love?

 

To be or not to be...a juror

I received a notice of jury service. With it comes a questionnaire as to qualifications an an affidavit of excusal. So the question is, do I do my civic duty? I've always wanted to serve as a juror, and was dismissive of those who didn't want to or avoided service. I was glad when the State made having a driver's license the basis for jury duty versus voter registration. So now, when I need to fill out one form or the other, why should I hesitate?

Well, the period of time I'm signing up for runs July 1, 2016-June 30, 2017.  I doubt I'll still be around next year. Also, I have to have someone else fill out the form, mail it, drive me to any jury call. Then, if I am selected, I can listen and serve well. If I have to discuss the case with fellow jurors, I will be hard-pressed to get my words out. So do I fill out the affidavit?

When do I truly face my inability to function in certain circumstances?

So I guess for all concerned I should ask for an excusal.

One more PALS lost

Patty Blake passed away yesterday morning. She was a grandmother in her mid-60s. The good news is she died peacefully in her sleep. My thoughts are with her family and friends. I know she is at peace now. Her unshakeable faith was her rock. Her blog https://pattysoksofar.com always brought me to a better place in my thinking.

I have been grilling the hospice workers about how people die. The variation is tremendous. The difficulty is suppressing pain and anxiety enough to allow peaceful passing. I am so curious about the whole dying process. True morbid curiosity!!

The trees reflected in my electric fireplace screen are fully leafed out now. My friends have my garden, flower pots, and window box planted. I am surrounded by signs of life even while curious about death. And I have this lovely orchid to enjoy:

Thank you, Jade!

On Tuesday evening we attended Caroline's choir concert, the Rose Concert, where the seniors get saluted and give their parents or special relations roses. I started to cry, thinking that I won't be there when Caroline is a senior. Paul held my hand throughout, and I rationally know our mother-daughter bond doesn't need a public demonstration. Still, I love the ceremony. So afterward, what did my sweet, talented daughter do? She presented me with a rose! That took such thought and consideration. Thank you, Caroline!

Sidewalks, Trees, and Finitude

I went on an adventure yesterday. After dropping Dolan at play rehearsal, and leaving the van (which I haven't driven in over a year), I set off alone from MSU-Northern to go downtown. Downtown Havre was holding an outdoor event, Discover Downtown, and I wanted to see it. So off I went.

I love Havre, but it's not the most accessible place. Many corners don't have curb cuts, necessitating detours to the street or alley adjacent. Needless to say, that allows me to see more, and feel more daring.

Although the sidewalks are heaved and cracked, one only has to look at the abundant trees to discern the cause of the damage. That, and the subsequent pernicious freeze-thaw that rips up sidewalks and roads in chinook country. Would I like smooth, wide sidewalks? Sure. However, not at the cost of being deprived of trees. If I look at my experience with ALS in that light, I can also appreciate what I receive with the suffering: bountiful friendships and an appreciation for the beauty around me.

I ended my independent trek with Mass at St. Jude's. People seemed surprised and concerned that I was alone. I am confident that as long as I am seat-belted in my chair, I can go anywhere my chair can go by myself. If I have to give that up, I will truly mourn.

I am listening to Atul Gawande's Being Mortal.  I think often of our failure to recognize that we all die, that no one life is more valuable than another, and that saying we battle a disease makes those of us who accept our circumstance seem weak. I am not saying people who seek treatment or follow regimens of diet or exercise are wrong, just that those of us who choose not to do so aren't giving up. 

I choose to reflect on my past, to read old correspondence, to watch Netflix, and to spend time outside enjoying the yard. When friends come over, I enjoy them immensely. As talking grows more difficult, though, being alone is okay.  Thank goodness I was always comfortable alone.

We are all given something to compensate for what we have lost. Sherman Alexie